


Memories of a Life Half-Lived

by Iwouldwrite1000fics



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Children of Characters, Fluff and Angst, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Mind Meld, Minor Character Death, Recovered Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 03:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18984292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwouldwrite1000fics/pseuds/Iwouldwrite1000fics
Summary: From the mind meld with Spock Prime Jim Kirk learns that their defining friendship in the other universe included offspring.





	Memories of a Life Half-Lived

The first time it happened was right after their escape from the Narada. He was exhausted and Bones dragged him off to Sickbay without a struggle to rest. He was right on the edge of consciousness when he thought he heard a baby crying and a strong male voice saying ‘Jim’. He frowned in concentration, confused, as the sounds were fuzzy as if they were coming from far away. Maybe one of the Vulcans had been pregnant and that was the source, could they even have kids that late? Focusing on it brought up more questions than answers and was starting to give him a headache so he let the thought go and drifted off to sleep.   
  
***  
  
“Congratulations, Captain.”  
  
“Thank you, sir.”   
  
“You’re father would be proud.”  
  
As he shook Pike’s hand there was a flash of…something. He saw another man about his age standing where he was standing, and shaking a woman’s hand instead of Pike’s. He blinked and the image faded.  
  
As he was leaving the ceremony he saw the elder Spock standing in one of the visitor galleries and wondered if he had something to do with whatever it was he saw. Mind-melds were freaky things after all and who knew what kinds of side effects there might be.   
  
Sometime later when it came to his attention that Spock was aware of his future self Jim asked him about mind-melds and learned that there can be ‘leakage’ as it were of other memories depending on the state and experience of those involved. Older Spock did say he was emotionally comprised at the time so Jim concluded that those images must be memories of his other self. It was an alternate universe after all so maybe he did have black hair and brown eyes there.  
  
***  
  
Jim turned away from their unexpected visitor from the 20th century as Spock explained his recent findings.  
  
“I find that we must return Captain Christopher to Earth after all.”  
  
“Why? You said I made no relative contribution.”  
  
“That was a poor choice of words on my part. In my initial run through I neglected to correlate any possible contributions by offspring. I find after running a cross check on that factor that your son Colonel Shawn Geoffrey Christopher…”  
  
Those words trigger another memory for Jim and bring quite the revelation with it.  
  
He was standing in what looked like a school hallway and he saw what he thought was himself sitting on a bench shuffling his feet and staring at the floor. When the boy looked up though there was green blood dripping from his lip and the man who knelt down wasn’t George Kirk but Spock, and Jim realized that this wasn’t his counter-part he had been seeing, it’s his son.  
  
“Wait a minute. I don’t have a son.”  
  
“You mean yet.” McCoy said, and smiled and then looked over to notice Jim standing there with a dazed look in his eyes.  
  
“Jim, you all right?”  
  
“Hmm? Oh yeah, just thinking about something else for a moment. Well in any case we’ll have to find some way to get you back, somehow.”  
  
“A boy, I’m going to have a son.”  
  
Both Spock and McCoy watched Christopher as he thought about his future son. So, no one noticed when Jim stepped back to contemplate the same thing. A boy, he is going to have a boy. He and Spock got together in that other timeline. Jim was intrigued by the possibilities of this arrangement and doubled his flirting efforts.  
  
***  
  
“Captain, may I point out the inefficiency of constantly questioning my judgement on things you’ve already made up your mind about?”  
  
“It gives me emotional security,” Jim answered and smiled brightly   
  
***  
  
‘Enjoy yourself, Captain.’ Spock had said. Well the one thing Jim Kirk was certainly not doing since he beamed down was enjoying himself. The planet of crazy had already somehow made McCoy see a giant rabbit, Sulu had found a gun and was now who knows where, and he had to see that asshole Finnegan again when there was no way he could be here.   
  
He stopped at a large bush with several flowers blooming on it and decided the only up-shot of this whole experience was that at least the scenery was nice.   
  
“Hey, Dad, I found it!”  
  
Jim looked up, startled, and saw that a familiar little kid with his build and Spock’s eyes was now standing next to one of the flowers examining it. Then a man was suddenly beside him dressed in a really ugly flannel shirt.  
  
“A perfect specimen, note the evenly spaced petals.”   
  
“Very good, Lenny.”   
  
“May I show it to father when he arrives?”  
  
“Of course, but we have to set up camp first.”  
  
The other him turned and looked at him   
  
“Lovely day isn’t it?” he asked and smiled.  
  
“Uh, yeah, sure.”  
  
Jim then watched as the two of them walked over the hill and were gone.  
  
“Kirk to Enterprise.”  
  
“Spock, here.”  
  
“All right, Spock, you’re the science officer I want some answers about what the hell is going on down here. First there was Bones’ rabbit when there isn’t supposed to be any animal life, then Sulu’s gun and, and-and the people I just saw.”  
  
“Is it possible these could be hallucinations?”   
  
“One hallucination flattened me with a punch to the jaw and the other…”  
  
He trailed off not wanting to explain that the other was himself in another life taking his boy camping.  
  
“That sounds like a painful reality.”  
  
“Yeah, now help think of a way to fix this.”  
  
***  
  
After the whole mess was sorted out Jim could enjoy his shore leave fully. The sun was creating beautiful colours across the sky as it set and Jim watched while letting his body be cuddled by the fantasy Spock; and just when he thought it couldn’t be any better it did. A memory appeared before him and his boy, who looked to be about five and surrounded by his parents, was holding a baby. Peering out of the pink blanket Jim could make out black hair, swept up eyebrows, and tiny little Spock ears that he wished he could reach out and touch, but doesn’t for fear the memory will be disturbed.   
  
“What do you think, Leonard?”  
  
“She is acceptable.”  
  
Both men chuckled at that and leaned in to look at their daughter.  
  
“Yes indeed you are, Amanda.”  
  
***  
  
Jim was at a playground and Amanda, a toddler now, was walking around holding a stuffed toy that looked like a really big fish. He watched as another, older, kid came up to her and pushed her to the ground and snatched the toy away; holding it out of her reach. She started to cry and at that moment Jim wished it wasn’t just a memory so he could give the kid a piece of his mind. It turned out to be unnecessary though as Amanda quickly got up off the ground and kicked the kid hard. He dropped the toy and then Leonard came running up pulled his little sister behind him and Jim watched as his little boy punched the bully dead in the face.   
  
In the real world Spock was left to wonder why his captain was suddenly laughing into his plate of spaghetti.  
  
That was the turning point. When Jim stopped merely letting the memories come to him and actively started searching for them. He looked forward to going to bed at night so he could rifle through his subconscious for any crumbs of information old Spock left behind, while being away from the prying eyes of his crew who were beginning to look at him funny.   
  
He saw both of them join up with Starfleet. Leonard took the command track while Amanda went with weapons and navigation. They were at the top of their classes, well that was a given they were his kids, Leonard even destroyed two of the Klingon ships in his attempt at the Kobayashi Maru.  
  
Seeing them on one of their missions he actually cheered as he watched the two of them grab the guards that had been holding them by the necks, and dropped all four of them to the ground at once. He could hardly believe that he had been involved, indirectly, in creating those two wonderful people who are completely awesome in every way and he, in the privacy of his room and his mind, can say that he loved them.   
  
***  
  
Harry Mudd was an idiot. Trying to outrun the law he had taken a stolen ship into an asteroid belt in a suicidal run and had nearly taken forty innocent lives with him. Saving that ship had cost them their supply of dilithium crystals and then they had to go bartering with miners and ugh! The entire ordeal had been one gigantic headache.   
  
“I’m happy the affair is over. A most annoying emotional episode,” Spock said, handing Jim a PADD.  
  
Jim couldn’t agree more as he took the PADD from Spock and signed off on it. At this point he just wanted to go to bed and see his kids. If one wanted to be technical, of course, they aren’t kids anymore. They are adults in all of the memories now, but he still saw them as his babies and he figured that wasn’t likely to change anytime soon.   
  
The moment the door to his quarters was closed Jim flopped down on his bed and let his mind go wandering.  
  
They must have been having a bad day too because the first thing he saw was smoke filled corridors and then he heard the blaring of the alarms. Suddenly they came around a corner carrying an unconscious Spock between them and Leonard was yelling into his communicator.  
  
“Sulu, I ordered us out of here we are we not moving?!”  
  
“I can’t, sir! The tractor beam hold is too strong!”  
  
“Then fire on the beam’s power source!”  
  
“I can’t all power is being diverted to the shields!”   
  
“The shuttles have been fitted with small weapons can we send a team in?”  
  
“We’d never get close enough! The ion waves coming off that monstrosity are off the scale. No human could survive it!”  
  
“Then we are fortunate that I am not human, Kirk out.”  
  
They put Spock down in the triage area set up outside the sickbay.   
  
“I’m coming with you.”  
  
“No! Amanda, I cannot ask you to-”  
  
“You are not asking I am volunteering. You cannot man both controls yourself, am I fully trained and the only other person available to you. It is logical.”  
  
He nodded stiffly. “Acknowledged.”  
  
They pressed their hands to their father’s face in what looked like a mind-meld except their hands aren’t in quite the same place they normally were. They whispered the word “remember” and then ran off to the shuttle-bay.  
  
“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,”  
  
“Or the one.”  
  
Their faces were firm and determined. The shuttlecraft lifted out of the bay. Jim watched them fire at the target. Watched the enemy craft begin to break apart. Watched helplessly as the other vessel was freed and warped away to safety.   
  
He bolted up and fell off his bed in shock. Now there were no more visions of them, now there was only great sadness and a deep aching loneliness in his chest.  _No, no! They-they can’t be gone!_  
  
They had to still to be there. They were his children, he had survived against the odds, beat every no-win scenario the universe threw at him they would too. He scrambled through his mind looking for a memory that will show him that they made it, but he can’t find them. All he saw was old Spock going up the steps of what his Spock told him was Mount Selaya on Vulcan. Standing in front of some old lady who speaks words he doesn’t understand and touched Spock’s forehead, and then Spock and his other self, suddenly looking like the old men they were, were hugging each other and crying.  
  
_No._  
  
***  
  
Spock was attempting to release the tension of the day when someone came in unannounced. He looked up from his meditation mat to see Jim staggering into his quarters.   
  
“Captain?”  
  
Jim looked at him and the tears he had managed to keep in check until now were falling down his cheeks. Spock rushed over and before he could help himself placed a comforting hand on Jim’s shoulder.  
  
“Jim, explain, what has happened?  
  
“They’re gone! The ship they didn’t make it!”  
  
“Jim, the rescue mission was successful you know that. Everyone was beamed aboard the Enterprise safely they are just fine.”  
  
Jim just shook his head and mumbled, “they’re gone, our children are gone.”  
  
“Children?”  
  
Spock was forced to admit that for the first time in a long time he was confused. Not only were there no casualties from the doomed ship there were no minors on that vessel. Why was Jim telling him children have been lost?   
  
Then it occurred to him that perhaps Jim was seeing something of the destruction of Vulcan that his other self had let slip during their mind-meld. He was internalizing those feelings thinking of the Vulcan men, women, and children as his own. Rather strange that it would come up so long after contact and he cannot at this moment deduce why a ship would be present, but no matter he could still fix it.  
  
He reached up one of his hands to Jim’s head.  
  
“If you will allow me-”  
  
Jim jerked away in response. “No, no I can’t hurt you too.”  
  
“I can work through it with you. Ease the pain to a controlled level. Please, Jim, let me help.”   
  
Jim gave a defeated nod and Spock gently pressed his fingers to his head.   
  
He was surprised to find that it was not Vulcan that appeared, but instead two young children. Rather cute too he must admit. Upon closer inspection he noted the boy’s strong resemblance to Jim, the slightly yellowish tint to their skin, and the girl’s pointed ears. How interesting their other selves apparently became quite the pair. A friendship that will define you both in ways you cannot yet realize indeed. These are his elder self’s offspring. Well that accounted for his immediate…affection for them. Spock carefully sifted through the memories watching them grow to young adulthood and making several remarkable accomplishments along the way. He joined Jim in the feeling of pride that swept through the meld.   
  
Then finally he replayed what Jim had just seen. Their final mission, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.” He watched the shuttlecraft go out and not return, and the rest of the ship and all those lives onboard able to reach safety in time. He saw his elder self make the accent to Mount Selaya, and their katras joined to the ancient ones.   
  
He broke the contact and stumbled back breathing hard. His mind filled with what they could have been. What they might have had, only to lose it so quickly.   
  
Jim fell to his knees and Spock stood there trying in vain to keep the tears in his own eyes from falling, thinking that they aren’t really his, because they belong to his other self and that judging from the age difference the event has happened decades ago, and it’s not working!  
  
After a few minutes the shock eased and left a gaping void of grief in its wake. Spock gently picked Jim up off the floor and guided him to the bed. They both fell awkwardly onto it as Jim held onto him for dear life trying desperately to muffling the sobbing into his shirt.  
  
***  
  
When Spock woke up his mouth was dry and he eyes itched from irritation. He went into the bathroom and washed his face to clear away the salt from the dried tears. Once he had gotten himself to a some what normal state he wet another cloth and took it out to the bed where Jim was squinting up at the ceiling.  
  
“For your eyes.”  
  
Jim didn’t answer, just took the cloth and placed it on his face. Spock sat back down on his bed and watched over him. After several minutes Jim ripped the cloth off his face and turned his head to glare at Spock.   
  
“Okay let me have it.”  
  
“I am sorry, Jim, I do not understand.”  
  
“Tell me how stupid I am. How illogical it was for me to become attached to a world that isn’t mine. How I emotionally compromised myself and risked the ship and everyone on it.”  
  
“I will do nothing of the sort.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“My other self let things slip of a world you did not know. It is only human to be curious about what we could build and have,” he said and began running his hand through Jim’s hair.   
  
Jim sighed. “Spock, we don’t have to…I mean I like you, but you shouldn’t feel obligated just because of, of them. It was old you and old me and their…it doesn’t have to happen here if we don’t want it to.”  
  
“True we can go back to what we have had before. Have our relationship remain as it was…”  
  
“But?”  
  
“But I don’t want to,” he whispered and kissed Jim’s forehead.  
  
In response Jim gave him a watery smile, raised his hand and offered him his first two fingers as he had seen other Vulcans do. Spock accepted, touching his fingers gently with his own.  
  
***  
  
The next time they are on New Vulcan they find him in the council chamber. Their first thoughts were to comfort him, but they are in a public setting, he is a Vulcan, and it is inappropriate. They took one look in his eyes though and none of that mattered. He had lost his son and daughter. They both walked over quickly and hugged him.  
  
Spock Prime stiffened in surprise. “What has brought this on?”  
  
“You were emotionally comprised during the meld he received several memories of your life from that other universe.”  
  
“What, what did you see?”  
  
For a moment Jim was silent trying to find some way of putting into words those wonderful and now tragic memories. Finally he simply said, “you guys picked out nice names for them.”  
  
Spock understood then and hugged them in return.  
  
“I am eternally sorry for your loss,” Spock said, his voice muffled as his face remained buried in his older self’s neck.  
  
“Parents should not out-live their children. It is not logical. Still I was given nearly forty wonderful years with them and I cherish those memories. I am truly sorry, Jim, I never meant for you to receive them during the mind-meld.”  
  
“I’m glad I did though. I mean it hurts yeah, but I may never have pushed myself to be with my Spock otherwise.”  
  
“Then I am glad of that. Perhaps with events so different now, if you decide to, things do not need to end as they did for me.”  
  
He let go of them, ignoring the looks they were receiving from the others in the room, and wandered over to a window to watch the sun fade behind the mountains.  
  
“As an old friend once said, they aren’t really dead so long as we remember them.”   
  
It was a wonderful way to think about it Jim thought. They would remember who they were and what they did and then maybe, just maybe, they will see them again one day.  
  
The End


End file.
